Most of us are pretty good at pretending we’re engaged in conversations. We nod, we smile, we throw in the occasional “Totally!” while our minds are wandering off to more pressing matters like, “Did I leave the stove on?” or “What’s the name of that song stuck in my head?” Maybe your friend is sharing their existential dread about life, and you’re mentally drafting your hot take on oat milk.
Authentic relating—truly seeing, hearing, and understanding each other—can change all that. It’s not about who’s got the best punchline or the most eye-catching anecdote; it’s about engaging with others in a way that leaves both of you feeling like, wow, we actually had a moment.
Let’s get into the five key practices of authentic relating and how you can add a splash of authenticity to every interaction.
1. Welcome Everything: The Good, the Bad, and the Awkward
Ever been halfway through a conversation and realised you’re just nodding politely while internally screaming? Authentic relating starts with welcoming whatever shows up in the moment—awkward pauses, over-enthusiastic hand gestures, and all. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything someone says, but it’s about creating space for all emotions, thoughts, and experiences.
How to do it: Next time someone brings up something uncomfortable, resist the urge to say, “Well, that sucks!” Instead, lean in. Be curious. Ask open-ended questions like, “Tell me more,” or “What’s that like for you?” Even if they’re going on about the ins and outs of Kombucha brewing, treat it like it matters—because it does. To them, at least.
2. Assume Nothing: Yep, You’re Probably Wrong
We all think we’re mind-readers. You see someone sigh and immediately jump to, “They must hate me because I forgot their dog’s birthday.” In reality, they’re probably thinking about how long they can survive on their current Netflix binge without moving. Assuming less and asking more is a core part of authentic relating. Rather than filling in the blanks, get comfortable with curiosity.
How to do it: When in doubt, clarify! Instead of saying, “You look upset. I bet it’s about work,” try, “You seem a bit off—what’s on your mind?” Maybe they are stressed about work, or maybe their dog did have a birthday and you totally missed it. Either way, your honesty and openness will build trust.
3. Own Your Experience: Your Worldview
Authentic relating doesn’t mean turning every conversation into the you show, but it does mean owning how you feel without offloading your emotional baggage onto others. When you’re authentic, you say things like, “I felt really insecure when that happened,” instead of, “You made me feel like dirt.” See the difference? One’s an invitation to connect, the other’s an emotional ambush.
How to do it: Start statements with “I feel” instead of “You always” or “You never.” If someone says something that hurt your feelings, resist the urge to go full-blown defence mode. Share how you’re feeling without pointing fingers. “I feel dismissed” is a lot more productive than “You’re the worst listener ever.”
4. Honour Boundaries: Yours and Theirs
No one wants to be steamrolled in a conversation, but setting boundaries is an art. Authentic relating isn’t about forcing someone to spill their deepest secrets at a dinner party. It’s about knowing your own limits and respecting others’. Boundaries actually make connection stronger because they prevent resentment and emotional exhaustion.
How to do it: The next time someone says, “I don’t really want to talk about that right now,” don’t push it. Honour their space. And if you feel like you’re emotionally tapped out, it’s okay to set your own boundaries too. Try saying something like, “I’m really enjoying this conversation, but I need to take a break and recharge.” It’s not rude—it’s human.
5. Be Here Now: Resist the Scroll
You know that moment when you’re hanging out with someone and they’re half-paying attention because they’re also eyeing their phone? Yep. That’s the opposite of authentic relating. Being present is about giving someone the gift of your full attention. It sounds simple, but in our distraction-heavy world, it’s almost revolutionary.
How to do it: Turn off the notifications, put the phone away, and really listen. This doesn’t mean you have to have a permanent face of intense concentration (you’re not on a high-stakes game show), but being present is more about genuine engagement. When someone’s talking, make eye contact, nod, and for the love of authenticity, don’t scroll.
Wrapping It Up: It’s Not That Deep… Or Is It?
The truth is, most of us are hungry for real connection, even if we’re not always sure how to get it. The beauty of authentic relating is that it’s not about being perfect or having all the answers. It’s about showing up—awkward moments, missteps, and all—and being real with each other. All you need is a willingness to connect beyond the surface-level stuff we usually gloss over.
So, next time you’re in a chat, take a breath, get curious, and see where the conversation takes you. You might just find that beneath the surface, there’s a whole lot more to relate to—and way more opportunities for genuine connection.
Cultivating authentic relating in conversations can be challenging, especially in professional settings. That’s why we dive deep into these processes and skills in our Communication Excellence Masterclass for teams. If you're ready to learn more about effective communication and how we can empower your team, contact us today!
Xin Yi Ng (Michelle)
Research & Development Lead
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